"The only thing certain in life, is uncertainty."
Updated: Jan 16, 2022
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist nor am I a "shaman." I am someone that has had to learn different coping mechanisms to deal with my depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation in order to survive; I am someone that has engulfed herself in indigenous ceremonies and a multitude of spiritual practices because that was the only thing that brought me peace. And this is me sharing excerpts of my peace and learnings on the path to find inner love.
Whether you are sitting in a hotel room in Playa del Carmen at 3:53 AM trying to calm down from a panic attack that started at 12:02 AM, or you had yet another sleepless night tossing and turning in your own bed and find yourself staring at a clock reading 5:29AM, a minute shy of your alarm going off-it makes no difference in the intensity of the situation.
The reality is, you are forced to confront your pain alone. You can't logically reach out to anyone in the wee hours of the night.
You are forced to deal with the inner depths of your pain. I remember writing this in my journal on that intense night of pain in Playa del Carmen.
Just two weeks later, I sign up for an 8 week online program by Thich Nhat Hanh on unifying the mind and body-ironically enough, the first week of the program starts with a module on understanding suffering. I mean that is why Buddha left on his quest, so it should not be a surprise lesson. The life-affirming realization that I had just two weeks ago in Mexico about facing my own pain is not anything new, haha. But I am only now beginning to understand it.
Thich continues to say that if one truly listens to and understands the suffering outside and within ourselves, they will find compassion and ultimately one's own truth. And as the Avalokiteshvara Chant plays, my mind drifts to how similar it sounds to a Muslim Imam reciting the Quran. Synchronistically, after listening to the chant, I have breakfast with my mom, who is blasting a Quranic recitation on her phone. And as I eat breakfast, I ponder how similar the sound is to original Christian and Gregorian chants, or mantras and worship songs in Hindu temples, or traditional temezcal songs.
This is a Lakota style sweat lodge in old town Tulum. In the sweat lodge, the facilitator sang both traditional Temezcal songs, Lakota chants, and various Kirtan music and Hindu chants fused with Mexican culture.
The commonality in all the sounds-Muslim, Hindu, indigenous, Buddhist, Christian, the list continues-a soothing effect and outlet for pain and suffering. All different modalities with the same intent: helping to understand suffering by dulling the feeling of the pain. I mean that's even the intent of modern psychology and psychiatry-EMDR, psychoanalysis, antidepressents-soothe the pain so one can understand and listen to it.
So what is pain and suffering other than the pathway to universal truth?
I look up "suffering" in Webster's online dictionary: "1. The state or experience of one that suffers. 2. Pain."
I proceed to look up "suffer" - "1. to endure death, pain, or distress. 2. to sustain loss or damage."
I then look up "pain" - "1. physical suffering......"
Well that was very circular. Pain and suffering are so much at the base and foundation of universal truth that even Webster's defines them circularly-it's an innately known state of being.
So maybe, the only certain thing in life isn't uncertainty-maybe it's that everyone will experience pain, which will make them experience uncertainty on a soul level. Yes pain is what cracks everyone's shell open so that may start their journey of self discovery.
I examine why I have spent most of my entire life irrationally angry at people who subscribed to traditional religious and societal paradigms. And it boils down to jealousy: I am jealous that a predefined pathway alleviated their pain and suffering when it only intensified mine. I am jealous that a predefined pathway gave them satisfying direction in their life while I was left with following a road less travelled.
Muslims blindly believing in Allah and Muhammed is his messenger-believing that praying five times a day and reading the Quran will land them a spot in heaven. Or even believing that a heaven exists. I remember a few weeks ago being infuriated by a relative's facebook posting, "Allah never ignores one's tears." I think I even commented asking if Allah cared about the tears of Muslim women sitting in Afghaniston prison centers, likely falsely accused of a crime by the Taliban. My relative's response back was simply, well they think Allah cares, that's why they keep praying. And I remember just being dumbfounded at how someone can believe in something while so many around sat in a bottomless pit of suffering. And also jealous that something so deeply flawed and irrational soothed their pain.
I remember being infuriated by new age yogis for culturally appropriating yoga-about highlighting how they don't understand the societal impacts of the caste system. How they preach love and light, but how in applied Hindu society, even to this day, love and light were not accessible to the dalit class, the "untouchables." How I blamed the Hindu societal structure for losing two people I loved deeply enough to want to build my life with them-not wanting to deal with the pain of those individuals actually just not loving me enough to want to build a life with me, regardless of societal impacts. But again, the intensity of the anger was fueled by my jealousy that something so deeply prejudicial soothed their suffering, while it amplified mine.
I remember times where I refused to acknowledge anyone in my generation that had an arranged marriage-I argued that they sent the womens' movement back generations and defied the laws of survival of the fittest by disregarding natural selection. For years, I refused to communicate with cousins and even lost a few college friends over my adamant stance that modern day arranged , or even facilitated marriages were a disgrace. Again, deeply rooted in my own jealousy that an archaic practice still brought peace to many, especially in contrast to my love life that continuously reaffirmed my unworthiness.
Just recently, I had a debate with a friend of mine about Christianity, rejecting an article he sent about shame and forgiveness from a Christian perspective. I refused to even acknowledge any wisdom in it because it came from a Christian paradigm-a paradigm I judged as limiting based on the confining principles of religion. Again, irrationally angry with him because I was jealous that he found something that brought peace in his life, while I spent a majority of my day trying to think of ways to survive the immense pain I avoided feeling.
And then it dawned on me: I spent most of my time thinking of ways to bypass actually feeling the pain because I was so fearful of the pain and the possibility that I would be unable to navigate through it. The fear itself amplified the pain more than the actual pain. Yes, it is painful to go through life feeling unloved and rejected. It is painful to think the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with can just leave without a second thought. It's painful to have people that at least experienced marriage (and divorce) -people that have at least instantaneously experienced someone intending to love them, promising to love them in front of friends and family-compare their pain to someone that has never been truly loved in her entire life. But what's even more painful are the stories one tells themselves-that you'll never meet someone that loves you, that nothing will make you stop pining over the "love of your life" that walked away from you like yesterday's trash. That your attachment disorder, anxiety and depression will haunt you and your social interactions throughout your life until there is no one left to enjoy life with. That the trauma you experienced your whole life and brain chemistry are just too much to overcome and you'll forever vibrate at an unhealed frequency, completely incapable of attracting the love you seek, whether it's within you or externally.
I sat there angry with people that were brave enough to take a leap of faith in something to face their pain, while I cowardly avoided my pain behind the guise of anger towards organized religion and respective societal constructs. I could sit here and play devil's advocate to every belief system that exists on this earth but it doesn't change the fact that I am scared of what is on the other side of understanding my pain. Is it a bottomless pit of pain that I would never get out of, much like Dante's seven circles of hell? What if the other side of pain was just more intense pain? What if I would just get stuck and never find a way through? What if the Sri Ram Jai Ram chant that gave me so much peace in the temezcal just three weeks ago is wrong: what if love isn't the answer, what if love isn't the way?
"When you're fearful of the unknown, what you're really unsure of is your ability to create your own life. Replace that fear with curiosity." - Derek Hough, Taking the Lead Lessons from a Life in Motion
Oh curiosity. Yes I filled my life with curiosity on the surface-traveling most of the globe by myself-conquering fear with a controlled external locus. I have researched everything that sparks my interest. But traveling, financial risks, acquiring knowledge- none of that was actually conquering a fear of the unknown. Actually, all of the downsides are very known. There are maps that detail almost every corner of the earth. There are detailed financial analyses that allow for decent predictions for financial risks. History often repeats itself, so if you study enough, you can predict the future. No one has to meet uncertainty with fearless curiosity if one can eliminate uncertainty.
That's the issue, most societies and religions teach you to conquer your fear of uncertainty by proclaiming concepts and pushing paradigms that diminish uncertainty. A heaven awaits you. Reincarnation into a more evolved life awaits you. Source energy exists within you and you came here to experience life to integrate back into a collective consciousness. Celestial beings exist and hold more truth. Most humans prescribe to the carrot of certainty somewhere-a leap of faith and trust.
And that is what makes diving into understanding my own pain so scary. I don't have certainty towards anything. There are no maps that have worked for me. Praying five times a day like my family does, didn't work for me, it made the pain worse. Surrendering and trusting the universe, as shamanic practices teach you to do, opened me up to more pain and betrayal than I had ever allowed myself to see or experience- was I ready to surrender and understand more? Three failed suicide attempts in, what if I don't have what it takes to understand my pain? How does one get curious about something that is so deeply mortifying? I mean history repeats itself-the pain will get worse right? What if there isn't a warm fuzzy sun, or a knight in shining armor on the other side of the pain-what if it's just the same uncertainty?
Join me on my journey and musings as I work up the curiosity to explore the uncertain future more. Over the next months, I'll chronicle my journey as I prepare to launch on an endeavor to traverse the Pan - American Highway with my two adorable dogs.
I am dedicated to fearlessly conquering the depths of my own mind, consciousness, heart and soul.
I absolutely love your courage and curiosity ❤️ We will all be enriched by the fruits of your journey. Super interesting and exciting!!